filling the void. music part 2.

a person like me
can never have close friends

too messed up, with way too many complexes and insecurities to even consistently fathom a healthy concept of friendship? or are my standards too high?
God, get mad dramatic with it – i get left out once, or i feel hurt and my system starts rebooting, executing a total shutdown

it’s either all
or i want nothing

generally i choose nothing
better than feeling hurt, knowing that u just don’t fit in, or u speak too much, or ur too different, or you don’t say enough, or your words have no weight or value.
latch in, try to squeeze myself into the nooks of a group, can’t flow right
it’s all or nothing

music was the only consistent friendship i had
music and books
transport me into make believe word, where my mind can piece together a pretend situation that i can play with right before i nod off to sleep.

someone else’s words filled my voids, with no strings attached
music could tell me i was going to be loved, made me feel a woman like me could be valuable
that I stood a chance, there was more out there, and told me that i could get over him
it was a lazy bandaid where i didn’t have to better my character – i could just hope

trying to give up music
got stuck with reality and no escape