i tried googling
“how to leave your child behind”
and would you believe it…
nothing. no help, there is no one who can answer that question for me?
they can tell me how to commit a murder,suicide, bake cookies, and even help us find our life mates
but it can’t help me understand or comprehend how to cope with leaving a child i raised single handedly over the last several years. what do i do…if they come to take him? he’s so small, he’d go without looking back… i’m not all he’s ever know, i’m just the only who took care of him, and to him – even if he spends his life in a another home – he guesses i’ll always be waiting there.
but can i? if they remove him….how do i cope, can i cope, will i cope…
can i continue my struggle to move on every day here? can i act out my life here? no, it doesn’t seem like i can pretend as well here, like i do over in Egypt. i’ve started going back into my trances… nearly catatonic. i sit in stupor trying to imagine – how do I choose my deen over my son? or my son over my deen? it isn’t dramatic, but my reality. i’m confused and can’t mix my realities – this city, the people, my past, the pain written all over it, the confusion in my identity.
yaa, Rabb – i can’t read these signs
so i google what i can’t comprehend
and still
“no results”
how do i cope if it ever came to leaving him behind…
