drowning

please

send help.

back to talking myself out of it.
don’t deserve the air that He lets me breathe.

 

belong in a fire, may be the only thing that could clean me from this state.

and suddenly this feeling of shame washed over me… here i was 26, a muslim, mother, wife, daughter, student

and there was nothing that i did for anyone, anything, except sit there dazed and feeling sorry for myself and the way my life had worked out. surely i would snap out of it, but nay, weeks past and time rotted my very core away and tore me from the grips of faith, a wretched period of time – that i will once again pay all too dearly youm al-qiyaam.

the consequence of my life was no one elses fault, and certainly least of all my son. it all happened to us, as life happens, but me too weak to cop it on my own turn away from him, him, them, God, and instead into feeding my starved ego and malicious desires. for all the good i ever thought i was, i spent the last three weeks burning it all away.

now in my journal, will pages fill concerning my reconstructive phase. i never do bother to write when its good…

 

inshaAllaah, the only way to understand myself is to express myself. lots to understand in my life these days, subhanAllaah. alot of change, subhanAllaah.

 

i guess life can only get better from here on in… right?

filling the void. music part 2.

a person like me
can never have close friends

too messed up, with way too many complexes and insecurities to even consistently fathom a healthy concept of friendship? or are my standards too high?
God, get mad dramatic with it – i get left out once, or i feel hurt and my system starts rebooting, executing a total shutdown

it’s either all
or i want nothing

generally i choose nothing
better than feeling hurt, knowing that u just don’t fit in, or u speak too much, or ur too different, or you don’t say enough, or your words have no weight or value.
latch in, try to squeeze myself into the nooks of a group, can’t flow right
it’s all or nothing

music was the only consistent friendship i had
music and books
transport me into make believe word, where my mind can piece together a pretend situation that i can play with right before i nod off to sleep.

someone else’s words filled my voids, with no strings attached
music could tell me i was going to be loved, made me feel a woman like me could be valuable
that I stood a chance, there was more out there, and told me that i could get over him
it was a lazy bandaid where i didn’t have to better my character – i could just hope

trying to give up music
got stuck with reality and no escape

side step

so avoiding music makes giving up alot of things considerably easier, leaves my past behind, lets me forget – because one thing leads to another and then i’m shaking in unrest.

I start by normalizing things which weren’t ok oh, about 3 weeks ago. stumbling again onto music,
oh, dance. my ability to move, let loose. the times behind. was it that bad? certainly was more fun.

but could I expect to be doing those things and still see self growth
or did i realize that within my ethnic culture alone – forget Islaam, there was a need to back down.
grind, shake, move, shake, smirk, shake, bring them in
sexual, liberal, sensual, it reminded me how to express for needs that could not be quenched
because as wild as I looked, or openly as I let my sexuality express itself in open spaces with bodies swerving
it never went further than that. conservative in a twisted way, tease. always the need to tease.

my only outlet…
my release

and in passing I listen to some music, reminded again of my needs.
my capacity and capabilities to throw myself into a woman, this other woman
sly, seductive, wild, releasing the crave within
if case I forgot in all these years, without the touch of a man
that I needed this
a natural thing
simmered it down
music cleared the fog that Islaam set down
how do I cope
need for intimacy
to dance for him, share in desire

no.

good little girl. you might wait your whole life for this exchange

i tried googling

“how to leave your child behind”

and would you believe it…

nothing. no help, there is no one who can answer that question for me?
they can tell me how to commit a murder,suicide, bake cookies, and even help us find our life mates
but it can’t help me understand or comprehend how to cope with leaving a child i raised single handedly over the last several years. what do i do…if they come to take him? he’s so small, he’d go without looking back… i’m not all he’s ever know, i’m just the only who took care of him, and to him – even if he spends his life in a another home – he guesses i’ll always be waiting there.

but can i? if they remove him….how do i cope, can i cope, will i cope…

can i continue my struggle to move on every day here? can i act out my life here? no, it doesn’t seem like i can pretend as well here, like i do over in Egypt. i’ve started going back into my trances… nearly catatonic. i sit in stupor trying to imagine – how do I choose my deen over my son? or my son over my deen? it isn’t dramatic, but my reality. i’m confused and can’t mix my realities – this city, the people, my past, the pain written all over it, the confusion in my identity.

yaa, Rabb – i can’t read these signs

so i google what i can’t comprehend
and still

“no results”
how do i cope if it ever came to leaving him behind…

30 Day Challenge

Reflection #1

Here I am, invigorated and as surprised as all hell. But here I am nevertheless – finally getting around to rebuilding myself? I’m not sure. Did I stop running? Maybe? Will I fight back?

Yes.

I will do all those things I pushed away,
I will USE “I” in my bloody blog, ALOT.
I will write for me, and only ME.
I WILL BECOME THE WOMAN I NEED TO BE

but i realize I have to quantify things in my life to make sense of them, I have to discuss them – not just let them float around in my mind. have I gotten a billion times more resilient than I ever have been in the entirety of my life? yes… yes I have. accomplished much in growth – PERHAPS, unsure. But no one is going to save me, everyone is way too busy drowning in their own sob story – and I can’t keep waiting for my Prince charming.

I have one, and I’m not getting it all together for him. I want a husband, real bad – BUT I won’t settle for anything anymore, just been too damn long, and really – I’m not ready to sell myself the way I am. Can’t. Hell I wouldn’t marry me for me. I gotta fix myself, time to recognize that I’ve been doing it alone all along, how DARE I define my possible future on the possibility of settling down with a man. WHY AM I HOLDING MYSELF BACK.

I gotta make my decisions, I gotta stop waiting for the miracle. He’s already here, It is already there. FACT: I am worth the time it takes to piece together. Faith in Islaam is not supposed to be the crutch i keep clinging to,
it enhances me, makes me the beta version of whatever I was yesterday, or the moment before I learned something

I am going to teach myself to let go
of you, and you, and you, them, her, he, she, him.

who i am:

broken, inconsistent, weak, sad, easily distracted, resistant, uninvolved, overweight

this is who I will be, by the WILL of Allaah subhanu wa ta’alaa

muslima, mother, daughter, student of arabic/quraan ( YOUR MINE ),
healthy, slim, positive, LOVING, forgiving, light

I AM NOT ASHAMED TO NO LONGER MEET THE STANDARDS I always felt were placed on me by third party influences…

no, I am who I am, and I am proud of who I am,

i am beautiful, and I can be beautiful, I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL

BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, BRAVE, SURVIVOR

subhanAllaah.

how does one bother to write on their lives, so insignificant are we.
was i that arrogant to think my life deserves words, so short it is to be.
no matter, silence suffices now.

to everything Allaah, compliance to deen – bring peace.

character first, everything else waits.
cleanse my heart, renew my soul, awake my son.

still shocks me… everytime I happen to remember.

right to my core

i’m still living in a dream, running from reality

why is it that I can’t come back, refuse to face my past.

mind sort

do i still believe in Allaah? Am I still worshiping and respectful of His very existence? Do I believe in the miracle of the Quraan? Do I believe unequivocally in the Qadr of Allaah? Do I believe in His messengers, His angels, the last day? Does hearing a hadith still strike strongly and resoundingly in my heart?

yes.

so what’s the problem?

I don’t know…

the art of continually perfecting my character, and as everything slowly comes apart
it’s an obsession that i remember even when i forget to breath

something changed
ain’t the same
after what i saw, felt, feared, lost
after the freedom of a nation
i lost my place
think i lost my mind
i thought i been through worse
but something changed
turned off, can’t get back
can’t function
couldn’t feel it then
but my life is fine, there is no pain
things fit right on the outside
but i’ve given up deep within
can’t figure why
i’ve lost my emaan

scar faced. head high.

damaged people are dangerous
they know they can survive.

tick tock

tick tock

tick tock

Ms. Hyde – 10:30 pm

it’s an awkward position

between deflection and belief

wanna be a muslim
just can’t help but despise the hypocrisy so much
that i’d rather not be known as one

so once again…

coming home to resume a secular life, with a stable mind
or sticking it out here, burning myself alive trying to find some balance

fckin hate this shit

i wanna dye my hair, cut some bangs, wear my hair out – be acknowledged
instead of waiting here for someone to find me
and loosing my identity, and thinking that that’s the purpose of my life

but wait it is, or
i don’t know

fckin hate this shit

send my life back to before i softened my heart to welcome in this lifestyle and
all my so called brothers and sisters

where i used to gather my strength from being a selfish bitch,
back to when i just didn’t give a shit

Dr. Jekyll – 2 pm

alright girl

get it together, pick it all up, you’re beautiful because ur a survivor
you’re beautiful, even if your tired
you’re beautiful, even if your damaged
beautiful, even if they think ur not – but especially so

you have alot, because u have enough
preserve ur internal sense of self respect, your strength.

qadrAllaah, babygirl, learn from your mistakes.
renew.

re-con

ok, time to rebuild my emaan

i remember…

and when hijab goes back up for grabs…
u know i’ve hit that all time low
and maybe its time to come home
can’t do this no more
how many more self help pep talks? how much more do I have to endure?
countless attempts of failed intentions? sticky notes all over my god damn home
reminders of etiquette and graced character
i, my only obstacle.
me, without a shred of genuine support
what? u thought a pat on the back and a minute of ur life would MAKE a difference?

right, come here
and YOU TRY IT

strong, enough to survive anything
too weak to grow ambition
i cop to average, and still they think i’m something special?

this religion wasn’t meant to live it alone
was never meant for me to be confined to my home
don’t get me wrong
I found peace within a cultish lifestyle of simplicity
preoccupied with chanting in a language i don’t for the life of me understand
yeah, brings a sense of calm, but a minute later i’m still fucked up inside
i act out my life, it’s all one big production
cuz the real me ain’t never gonna be good enough for anything or anyone in this ummah
didn’t grow up a muslim, can’t find that balance within this damned culture
and everything is haraam, everything
when u have no one – it’s ALL HARAAM
and YOU ARE SCREWED, because finding a balance means prancing into grey areas
which turns around and defies the set logic of ur belief in it’s structure
it’s all or nothing, but no one told me how hard it was to REALLY get access into the club
then you don’t even WANT this life, because it’s a waiting game
and damn, 3 years is a LONG time to be lost without a purpose
but no, i have a son
hold it together for him
BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I SPEND SO MUCH TIME BEING PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING SOMEONE I’M NOT
all this time, even if i believe
my paradigm never shifted

but don’t get it twisted
my complaint isn’t about Islaam, this land or
this olive skinned beauties, they treat me just fine
life here easier than back home, so I hang
rode out this wave, because simple Arabs make shit easy
found their balance, and they like it fine, so would i
if i could just be me, but everything i am is sin
living sin, second rate, overweight, my past will always hang above their eyes sin
i’m done being her
i wanna be me

screw the fear that everyone will realize i spent more than a year just existing…
returning without a shred of evidence that this year even occurred – landing right back at square one

i want my sanity back
just wanna fcuking belong
and if i gotta do it alone
then i guess i’ll have to do it wrong
and depend on good character, charity, and my salaah
pray for the mercy of my One God

re-con

is never easy to ever come to terms with someone being taken from you before you expected,
always wishing ur last encounter could have been so much more meaningful…

can’t say I was honestly a staunch supporter initially. felt it was a just cause, but not my fight- but then the gov restricted my rights… and it got personal and now i felt involved. still, it was disturbing to have to see this nations people that are all about wit, humour, and ingenuity suddenly have to go through such serious times. jan 29- feb 1st were probably the most frightening in my neighbourhood – seeing kids with guns and machetes .. not part of my “normalcy”

today, somehow – i felt drawn to enter the protests, but chose to watch from within my apartment. i was dressed and just sitting there, weighing my decision – because I wanted to go but there was a heavy warning for all foreigners especially Muslim foreigners. I wasn’t going to go without my camera either …. they think all muslim foreigners now are part of some foreign branch of the Ikwaan, fools. there was a few brothers that got beat really badly, and some brothers who were going to travel out disappeared this morning, can’t get a hold of them… i have journalist friends who insist on being in the thick of it, and then those who are more seasoned who know too much for their own good – the one i worry about the most, because he’s like family, and is too, a foreigner.

anyhow i had to end up calling someone and ask them to talk me out of going, because i knew i couldn’t put Isaiah in that in case it went south… i couldn’t know it would turn out peacefully like it did, i couldn’t not after Friday and what I put that kid through when we mistakenly got caught into a mob of protesters like … 4 times. a day of some bad decision making and the small soldier had a 2 hour walk home… miskeen, the things I make him put up with regarding travel and lifestyle.

SandMonkey’s Last Blog Post – re-direct – EGYPT NOW!

I took it upon myself to re-direct the post onto my old blog so that you could have access to a blog that the Egyptian government has currently put under suspension.

he wrote this in morning today, and was caught and arrested on route to Tahrir in the afternoon before As’r prayers. He was released an hour ago.

may Allaah protect those who are in distress. aameen.

original link to blog post: http://www.sandmonkey.org/2011/02/03/egypt-right-now/

written by Sandmonkey, who is a well known Egyptian blogger and activist.

Thursday, 3 Feb 2011

Egypt, right now!

I don’t know how to start writing this. I have been battling fatigue for not sleeping properly for the past 10 days, moving from one’s friend house to another friend’s house, almost never spending a night in my home, facing a very well funded and well organized ruthless regime that views me as nothing but an annoying bug that its time to squash will come. The situation here is bleak to say the least.

It didn’t start out that way. On Tuesday Jan 25 it all started peacefully, and against all odds, we succeeded to gather hundreds of thousands and get them into Tahrir Square, despite being attacked by Anti-Riot Police who are using sticks, tear gas and rubber bullets against us. We managed to break all of their barricades and situated ourselves in Tahrir. The government responded by shutting down all cell communication in Tahrir square, a move which purpose was understood later when after midnight they went in with all of their might and attacked the protesters and evacuated the Square. The next day we were back at it again, and the day after. Then came Friday and we braved their communication blackout, their thugs, their tear gas and their bullets and we retook the square. We have been fighting to keep it ever since.

That night the government announced a military curfew, which kept getting shorter by the day, until it became from 8 am to 3 pm. People couldn’t go to work, gas was running out quickly and so were essential goods and money, since the banks were not allowed to operate and people were not able to collect their salary. The internet continued to be blocked, which affected all businesses in Egypt and will cause an economic meltdown the moment they allow the banks to operate again. We were being collectively punished for daring to say that we deserve democracy and rights, and to keep it up, they withdrew the police, and then sent them out dressed as civilians to terrorize our neighborhoods. I was shot at twice that day, one of which with a semi-automatic by a dude in a car that we the people took joy in pummeling. The government announced that all prisons were breached, and that the prisoners somehow managed to get weapons and do nothing but randomly attack people. One day we had organized thugs in uniforms firing at us and the next day they disappeared and were replaced by organized thugs without uniforms firing at us. Somehow the people never made the connection.

Despite it all, we braved it. We believed we are doing what’s right and were encouraged by all those around us who couldn’t believe what was happening to their country. What he did galvanized the people, and on Tuesday, despite shutting down all major roads leading into Cairo, we managed to get over 2 million protesters in Cairo alone and 3 million all over Egypt to come out and demand Mubarak’s departure. Those are people who stood up to the regime’s ruthlessness and anger and declared that they were free, and were refusing to live in the Mubarak dictatorship for one more day. That night, he showed up on TV, and gave a very emotional speech about how he intends to step down at the end of his term and how he wants to die in Egypt, the country he loved and served. To me, and to everyone else at the protests this wasn’t nearly enough, for we wanted him gone now. Others started asking that we give him a chance, and that change takes time and other such poppycock. Hell, some people and family members cried when they saw his speech. People felt sorry for him for failing to be our dictator for the rest of his life and inheriting us to his Son. It was an amalgam of Stockholm syndrome coupled with slave mentality in a malevolent combination that we never saw before. And the Regime capitalized on it today.

Today, they brought back the internet, and started having people calling on TV and writing on facebook on how they support Mubarak and his call for stability and peacefull change in 8 months. They hung on to the words of the newly appointed government would never harm the protesters, whom they believe to be good patriotic youth who have a few bad apples amongst them. We started getting calls asking people to stop protesting because “we got what we wanted” and “we need the country to start working again”. People were complaining that they miss their lives. That they miss going out at night, and ordering Home Delivery. That they need us to stop so they can resume whatever existence they had before all of this. All was forgiven, the past week never happened and it’s time for Unity under Mubarak’s rule right now.

To all of those people I say: NEVER! I am sorry that your lives and businesses are disrupted, but this wasn’t caused by the Protesters. The Protesters aren’t the ones who shut down the internet that has paralyzed your businesses and banks: The government did. The Protesters weren’t the ones who initiated the military curfew that limited your movement and allowed goods to disappear off market shelves and gas to disappear: The government did. The Protesters weren’t the ones who ordered the police to withdraw and claimed the prisons were breached and unleashed thugs that terrorized your neighborhoods: The government did. The same government that you wish to give a second chance to, as if 30 years of dictatorship and utter failure in every sector of government wasn’t enough for you. The Slaves were ready to forgive their master, and blame his cruelty on those who dared to defy him in order to ensure a better Egypt for all of its citizens and their children. After all, he gave us his word, and it’s not like he ever broke his promises for reform before or anything.

Then Mubarak made his move and showed them what useful idiots they all were.

You watched on TV as “Pro-Mubarak Protesters” – thugs who were paid money by NDP members by admission of High NDP officials- started attacking the peaceful unarmed protesters in Tahrir square. They attacked them with sticks, threw stones at them, brought in men riding horses and camels- in what must be the most surreal scene ever shown on TV- and carrying whips to beat up the protesters. And then the Bullets started getting fired and Molotov cocktails started getting thrown at the Anti-Mubarak Protesters as the Army standing idly by, allowing it all to happen and not doing anything about it. Dozens were killed, hundreds injured, and there was no help sent by ambulances. The Police never showed up to stop those attacking because the ones who were captured by the Anti-mubarak people had police ID’s on them. They were the police and they were there to shoot and kill people and even tried to set the Egyptian Museum on Fire. The Aim was clear: Use the clashes as pretext to ban such demonstrations under pretexts of concern for public safety and order, and to prevent disunity amongst the people of Egypt. But their plans ultimately failed, by those resilient brave souls who wouldn’t give up the ground they freed of Egypt, no matter how many live bullets or firebombs were hurled at them. They know, like we all do, that this regime no longer cares to put on a moderate mask. That they have shown their true nature. That Mubarak will never step down, and that he would rather burn Egypt to the ground than even contemplate that possibility.

In the meantime, State-owned and affiliated TV channels were showing coverage of Peaceful Mubarak Protests all over Egypt and showing recorded footage of Tahrir Square protest from the night before and claiming it’s the situation there at the moment. Hundreds of calls by public figures and actors started calling the channels saying that they are with Mubarak, and that he is our Father and we should support him on the road to democracy. A veiled girl with a blurred face went on Mehwer TV claiming to have received funding by Americans to go to the US and took courses on how to bring down the Egyptian government through protests which were taught by Jews. She claimed that AlJazeera is lying, and that the only people in Tahrir square now were Muslim Brotherhood and Hamas. State TV started issuing statements on how the people arrested Israelis all over Cairo engaged in creating mayhem and causing chaos. For those of you who are counting this is an American-Israeli-Qatari-Muslim Brotherhood-Iranian-Hamas conspiracy. Imagine that. And MANY PEOPLE BOUGHT IT. I recall telling a friend of mine that the only good thing about what happened today was that it made clear to us who were the idiots amongst our friends. Now we know.

Now, just in case this isn’t clear: This protest is not one made or sustained by the Muslim Brotherhood, it’s one that had people from all social classes and religious background in Egypt. The Muslim Brotherhood only showed up on Tuesday, and even then they were not the majority of people there by a long shot. We tolerated them there since we won’t say no to fellow Egyptians who wanted to stand with us, but neither the Muslims Brotherhood not any of the Opposition leaders have the ability to turn out one tenth of the numbers of Protesters that were in Tahrir on Tuesday. This is a revolution without leaders. Three Million individuals choosing hope instead of fear and braving death on hourly basis to keep their dream of freedom alive. Imagine that.

The End is near. I have no illusions about this regime or its leader, and how he will pluck us and hunt us down one by one till we are over and done with and 8 months from now will pay people to stage fake protests urging him not to leave power, and he will stay “because he has to acquiesce to the voice of the people”. This is a losing battle and they have all the weapons, but we will continue fighting until we can’t. I am heading to Tahrir right now with supplies for the hundreds injured, knowing that today the attacks will intensify, because they can’t allow us to stay there come Friday, which is supposed to be the game changer. We are bringing everybody out, and we will refuse to be anything else than peaceful. If you are in Egypt, I am calling on all of you to head down to Tahrir today and Friday. It is imperative to show them that the battle for the soul of Egypt isn’t over and done with. I am calling you to bring your friends, to bring medical supplies, to go and see what Mubarak’s gurantees look like in real life. Egypt needs you. Be Heroes.

is wordpress actually working properly for like the first time in months? …eek!

just in time.

هذه هي حياتك وليس من السهل

it’s about growing…
ignore, and then center.

ابتسم، يا بنت

plan

trust in Allaah

remain simple, and be content with simplicity.

worship, praise, smile, be kind.

it isn’t a race, and the only place you should be trying to get to, is after your death.

so be calm, recite quraan.

resolve.

i may be down,
but this is far from over.

truth.

come back? to what, exactly?

لَهُمْ مَغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ

yaa Allaah, I seek survival and sustenance in my path from You, guide me and secure me in this life to make comfortable our livelihood….

We created you, then why do you believe not?…….Tell Me! The seed that you sow in the ground. Is it you that make it grow, or are We the Grower?……Tell Me! The water that you drink. Is it you who cause it from the rainclouds to come down, or are We the Causer of it to come down? If We willed, We verily could make it salt (and undrinkable), why then do you not give thanks? Tell Me! The fire which you kindle, Is it you who made the tree thereof to grow, or are We the Grower? ….Then glorify with praises the Name of your Lord, the Most Great….verily, that is indeed a great oath, if you but know. That (this) is indeed an honourable recital (the Noble Quran)….A Revelation (this Quran) from the Lord of the Alameen (mankind, jinns and all that exists).

Is it such a talk (this Quran) that you all deny?

And instead (of thanking Allah) for the provision He gives you, on the contrary, you deny Him(with disbelief, sadness, anger, ungratefulness)!

So glorify with praises the Name of your Lord, the Most Great.

[ surah al-waqia, 57 - 82 ]